October is my favorite month, and somehow here we are already sitting at the end of it. This month flew by faster than any other this year.
I love October because it signifies change. A shedding. A letting go. I love when the air starts to get crisp, or at least when it’s supposed to. October apparently didn’t get the memo this year. Our poor planet…but don’t even get me started on that. I love the change of scenery, and my god, Sonoma County is gorgeous this time of year.
There’s also this little anticipation of winter coming which, if I’m being real, I dread.
Not for the typical reasons. I actually like the cold, the darker days, the rain. I embrace that kind of change.
It’s the holidays.
The holidays have never been particularly easy for me, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. Growing up without my mom was always harder around this time of year. Sometimes I would see her. Sometimes I wouldn’t. The anticipation of maybe I will, maybe I won’t created a lot of anxiety for me as a kid.
I also experienced some big, “capital T Trauma” around Christmas as I was entering my teenage years. So this time of year has always done something to me.
And don’t worry about me. I’ve been in therapy for over half my life. I’ve done a lot of work. But the body keeps the score. We’ve all heard that by now, right?
Your body remembers things even when your brain isn’t actively thinking about them. Even when you’ve accepted them. Even when you’ve learned better ways to cope.
Every year around this time, I can feel a little tightness creep into my body. I want to close myself off a bit. I’m trying new tactics and working on keeping my heart open, but I’ve also realized that I’ve spent a lot of my life chasing this idea of peace around things that may never feel completely peaceful.
And maybe that’s okay.
Recently, I was teaching a private session with a client who I’ve bonded with quite a bit over some of these things. We were talking and she shared an old parable with me.
A wise man and his student were walking together along a path when they came across a large boulder.
The wise man stopped and asked his student, “Is that boulder heavy?”
The student looked at him, a little confused.
“Of course it’s heavy.”
The wise man looked back at the boulder and said, “Not if you don’t pick it up.”
I haven’t stopped thinking about that.
It’s certainly not a new concept. We’ve all been told to let things go. But something about the visual of that giant rock sitting there made me pause.
Because how many heavy things do we pick up simply because they’re there? How many heavy things do we hold on to because we always have?
I’ve started catching myself when I feel like I’m carrying the big heavy rock and asking myself, Do I actually want to carry this?
Maybe this season is tough for you, too. Maybe you’re carrying some big heavy rocks of your own. Maybe we can start thinking about which ones are actually ours to carry and which ones we’re ready to leave sitting on the path.
And anytime you come into The Reform Room, leave your rocks at the door.
They’ll still be there if you want to pick them back up on your way out. But for 45 minutes, give yourself the gift of putting them down and being fully present.
I definitely do when I’m teaching. I’m fully there with you, and it truly is a gift for me too.
Besides, the only heavy thing I want to pick up right now is a dumbbell.
Happy Halloween tomorrow! Have a blast, be safe, and maybe as we walk into November, we can all think a little more about which rocks we’re choosing to carry.
All my love,
Jess
